Never Alone

I waited for You today

but You didn't show, no no no

I needed You today

so where did You go?

You told me to call

said You'd be there

and though I haven't seen You

are You still there?

I cried out with no reply and

I can't feel You by my side so,

I'll hold tight to what I know

You're here

and I'm never alone.

And though I can not see You

and I can't explain why

such a deep, deep, reassurance

You've placed in my life.

We cannot separate, You're part of me.

and though You're invisible, I'll trust the unseen.

Growing up a Pastor's kid, I've moved A LOT!  Here's a quick run-down: Mississippi, Florida, Virginia, Georgia, Virginia, North Carolina, Virginia, Indiana, Missouri and now Arizona.  I grew accustomed to getting comfortable only then to be uprooted.  Some moves were much more difficult than others.  Some places held dear friends that I had to say good-bye to.  It never gets easier to say good-bye.  Even now, my cheeks are tear soaked thinking about those friends I've lost touch with and those I just don't get to see everyday anymore.  

Some days, I feel very alone.  Don't get me wrong, I adore my amazing husband and three beautiful children.  But there are days when I miss my closest friends.  I miss the comfortable-ness of meeting for lunch or coffee.  I miss the running into each other at Wal-mart.  I miss the dinners together.  It takes time to make friends like that.  And then there is all my family...I've never seen my nephew William Souther.  My niece wouldn't recognize me if she ran into me!  My mother struggles with these same things, but we're so far apart that we cannot bring each other comfort.   

BUT....

Through all these lonely times, I hold tight to what I know, You're here, and I'm never alone!  God has called me and Michael to a very, very high calling.  We count it ALL joy to be called by Him.  Being so far from friends and family is worth it if just one person comes to Jesus because we're here.  I am beyond blessed and joyful to be living out this calling.  I feel honored that He would choose us.  He is always faithful to bring the people into our lives that we need.  I wouldn't trade ANY of the moves in my life for anything.  And let me say, some of those places I lived were very difficult.  God has taught me something everywhere I've been...He is Sovereign and my steps are ordered.

About that song...

The first time I heard that song, I was walking into the sanctuary at Fellowship Church in Poplar Bluff, Missouri.  I thought they were playing a video or a track off of a CD.  Then I saw this beautiful little black haired girl belting out the words to this song.  I had never heard such a voice!   I literally had goose-bumps.  When Tori sings this, I know how deeply these words mean to her.  When we sang this together in a class room one night, the words truly connected with me.  I've had this on my iPhone for a couple of days now, and every time I sing these words, I sing them straight to God.  I DO feel alone, but He is right here and I'm never alone.  

Rules

I have never fancied myself to be an intellectual person.  I don't test well and I don't accept failure well (when I fail said test!).  But...
I love rules and the Law.  I might not like the rules, but I love knowing what I'm supposed to do.  I like knowing what I'm supposed to do, now whether or not I follow those rules is another issue altogether.  I like, rather need, someone to tell me exactly what to do, how to do it and when to have it done.
An exception to this rule is, if I don't respect the "rule-giver" I tend to disregard the rules.  Anyone feeling me here??  I HAVE to respect the person who is giving me the rules.  I respect the police.  I respect the President (don't like him, but I respect his position).  I respect Billy Graham.  I respect my mother.  I respect my Other.  I respect my Pastor and my mentors.  I respect the library when they tell me to return my books on time.  I do not respect Fidel Castro.  I do not respect Hilary Clinton.  I do not respect Planned Parenthood.  The list could go on and on!
But more than anything else in the world, I respect God and His Law.  I love the rules He put in place for me.  I know He has told me to respect the people He has put in charge over me.  His laws are for my good.  His laws bring Him glory.  He has laid out exactly what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to do and what my eternal reward will be.  God is the perfect law giver.  His law brings me a future and a hope.  He is absolutely HOLY and worthy of respect.
If I had to pick between a squishy, cuddly relationship with God or a loving Father Judge, I'd pick the loving Father Judge.  I don't like songs that paint this picture of me cuddled up in God's lap getting slathered with kisses and chatting with Him like a grade school girlfriend.  I want to sit at His feet and worship Him with the upmost of reference.
I know when we get to Heaven, those of us who love law, theology and doctrine will worship together with those who love the squishy, cuddly, emotional view of God.  One day, there will be no "preferences", just absolute perfect worship of our Holy God.

(I know that seemed a bit "what the heck Shelley", but I was watching TBN and got aggravated.)

Beloved: Words

Struggling to find the words to say today.  My heart is broken for the family of one of our former youth.  He died in a hit and run accident last night.  There are no words to say that will bring comfort.  No words will help them deal with this pain.  The best thing to say is "I'm praying for you."  ...and I have been all day.

Today would have been my dad's 72nd birthday.  When he died, no words brought me more comfort than "I'm praying".  I was flooded with email's and cards of precious friends telling me they were praying for me.

Isn't God the only One who can truly bring us lasting comfort anyway?  He promises us "Peace that surpasses all our understanding".  I truly found peace after my dad died.

But when it's your CHILD.  Oh my heart just breaks for Mary and Bill. I cannot imagine the hurt they feel.  I wish there was some magic word that would ease their pain.  But I will pray.  I promise to pray.

Jehovah Rapha, pour out Your Peace that passes all understanding.

Bitterness

Bitterness = Choosing Resentment

Wow!  That definition really hit me today.  I was reading Romans 12:9-21 this morning and the title of that section was "Behave Like A Christian".  I started taking the verses apart, underlining words or phrases that outline what I'm supposed to look like.  Love without hypocrisy.  Abhor evil.  Cling to good.  Be kind.  Give preference to others.  Be diligent and fervent.  Serve the Lord.  Hope.  Be patient.  Pray.  Meet the needs of the Saints.  Be hospitable.  Bless those who persecute me.   And that's where it hit me, I'm holding on to bitterness towards people who have "persecuted" me.  Not so much persecuted, but hurt or offended me.

Why do I hold onto hurts and offenses?  I say the Christianese thing by saying "Yes, I've forgiven them" but have I really?  If I have really forgiven them, then why do I think about it still?  Why, when I think of them, do I start feeling angry and disgusted?  Because I'm "Choosing Resentment"!  Either I choose to forgive or I choose to dwell upon the wrong doing until I become bitter.  When I become bitter, I become enslaved to the person who hurt me.  I can't think of anything less pleasant than being enslaved to this person.  But I'm choosing to be enslaved!  What am I doing?  Stupid head!

As I talked this over with Jesus today, He reminded me that I have made a choice to be His bondservant.  I have chosen to bond myself to him, as a servant, for the rest of my life.  I choose a worthy Master.  But "No one can serve two masters"!  So which one is my master?  Jesus or Bitterness?  They both can't exist together!  Talk about a huge revelation.  (I know it seems so simple, like such a no-brainer.)  By choosing to be a bondservant of Christ, I cannot enslave myself to another.  I must forgive and choose to be "better".  My amazing friend Mical Masterson used to say "Don't be bitter.  Be better".

I don't want to think about this particular person who hurt and offended me, much less be enslaved to them.  Their words are like "arrows that fly by day" and "destruction that lays waste at noonday", like a "plague in my dwelling place".  Sounds like a nice place to live huh?  Well, I'm choosing today to "be better"!  I will be a good servant to my Master by serving Him only.   No more bitterness towards them.   I even have a hard time thinking about them without getting bitter - so no more thinking about them.  No more letting their words pierce  my heart, no more letting their opinions shape my day-to-day, no more thoughts of "what the heck is wrong with you", no more bitterness!  NO MORE!  2 Timothy 2:15,16 says "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.  But shun profane and idle babbling, for they will increase to more ungodliness."  I don't want anything to lead me to ungodliness.  I want to be a worker who God is proud of!

Jesus help me moment by moment, day by day.

Honesty

Honesty is important to me.  I've known many honest people.  In turn, I've known some dishonest people.  From both sets of people, I have learned a lot.  I have learned that an honest person gains my trust.  The most effective honest people are those who know how to coat their honesty with grace and love.  Don't get me wrong, some times I need a good honest smack down!  But on the whole, I take to heart what the honest, merciful, graceful person has to say.  My papaw, Hayward Watts, was one of the most honest people I have ever known.  I listened to everything he said to me, applied it to my life, and thanked God for it.  He knew how to coat his words with grace and mercy while being totally honest!  I knew that if my papaw said it, it was true.  So when he said "You cook those shrimp in lots and lots of garlic, butter and fresh lemon juice and you won't go wrong", I did it!  And boy are those shrimp good.

I want to surround myself with honest people.  People who will encourage me, challenge me, pray for me, confront me, uplift me, and be my wise counsel.  I have a few close friends and mentors of whom I am so very grateful.

I want to be a person of utmost honesty.  I am not a good liar anyway :)  I want people to be secure in the fact that if I say it, they can trust me.  I want to coat my words with honey though - I want my words to be full of grace and mercy.  Believe me, I can be brutally honest and upfront when I need to be, but I still want to be full of mercy.

I am very strong in what I believe and sometimes THAT honesty offends people.  I don't like that.  I don't like offending people.  So this has been a struggle of mine with blogging.  I think differing viewpoints are good - they make us dive deep into searching out why we believe what we believe.  I know what it is I believe and I know why I believe it and I can stand firm in God's Word.

So with that being said, I will be honest in what I write, but I will strive to be covered in grace and mercy.